Found this video on YouTube while being awake at one of those unearthly hours, a even more common occurrence nowadays since I became a mother to a little baby boy.
Mothers are such important figures in the lives of many of us, as this video illustrates. So important that I feel like a sham for having called myself one.
My own mum is always trying to explain to me what the Heart of a Mother is like. Whenever a woman we both know does something selfless for the benefit of their children, she’ll point it out to me and say, “That’s a mother’s heart,” hoping that I would understand it at some point.
Now that I am a mother myself, she seems to believe that I should have gotten it by now. Why mothers behave the way they do. Why they abandon sleep and make selfless decisions to benefit others to the point of it being ridiculous because they fail to care for themselves.
Do I truly grasp what that all means and why I should take on such a persona?
Perhaps I’m still too new to the program to be able to correctly assess my motherly abilities. Maybe over time, I’ll prove myself worthy of the title.
For now though, I feel awful.
I feel guilty that I have to divide my attention between Jamie and work, although the reality is that even when I do work, I’m just a stone’s throw from where he is, ever ready to pick him up even if he so much as whines.
I also feel bad because I am actually glad whenever he falls asleep and I have time on my hands to do something else other than changing his diaper, feeding him or carrying him in my arms.
When I kiss his chubby cheeks or gently stroke his soft little head, I feel like I’m doing so only because he is so cute. And all the while I wonder if I truly do love him or is that just something I assume I am already doing since I am his mother.
Okay, it could be just me being this horrid overthinking individual that I am. Or is it possible that mothers everywhere always feel inadequate, like they’re never doing enough?
Why is that so?
Honestly, I have no answers for all this at the moment. It’s just me thinking out loud. Let me know if any of you reading this have got it figured out.
Meanwhile, Jamie has just stirred from his sleep. Goodbye. For now.