Cloudy, with a chance of insanity

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Jamie and I battling the haze with our trusty face masks.

It’s been hazy weather lately, and it’s felt that way in my head too. Lots of thoughts and very little clarity. Which kind of explains why I haven’t been posting for quite a bit. 

Well anyway, here I am, back at it. 

One of my major concerns of late has been work. I’ve already properly morphed into a WAHM (Work At Home Mum) and this would be the third month since I began this stint. 

What’s surprising is that more work opportunities came pouring in than I had expected. Which is a nice thing, except that not many of them actually turn into real jobs that I get to work on. 

The other issue here (and one of the main ones, actually) is that I’m finding it extremely hard to actually work. Yes, I’m sure plenty of other WAHMs out there will know what I’m talking about. It’s almost impossible to get anything done when it comes to work if you’re around your baby 24/7. They really do demand a lot of your attention. 

This is where things get a little complex and I feel guilty. 

On the one hand, I know it’s virtually impossible to be focussed on your child all of the time since you do have a life beyond him. Hence, I should allow myself some time here and there to work, even if it means turning my attention away from Jamie now and then which may lead to delays in responding to his needs and/or leaving him to entertain himself for short spells. 

But at the same time, I feel bad that I’m not 100% paying attention to him while I’m at home since that’s the reason that I quit my full time job in the first place. So that he can have at least one of his parents available to him whenever and whatever he needs. 

So I’m finding it challenging striking a balance, and getting work done is so very tough. Thankfully on my past two deadline days, I had Deric home with me on one, and I brought Jamie over to my parent’s place on the other. In other words, I had other people around to help during those times. 

This may not always be the case so I guess I need to find a better way of coping. 

To be honest, I felt tempted so many times to just resort to becoming a SAHM (Stay At Home Mum) instead and just hang up my career once and for all. But for many reasons, I feel reluctant to go down that path. 

Also, I’ve discovered that most other WAHMs that I know tend to rely on domestic helpers of some form to cope with their work-family balance. It’s either a nanny that comes around in the daytime or a babysitter to whom their child/children get sent to. And in some cases, even a maid that comes by to clean the home for them. (Or a live-in one, but my friends aren’t the type to opt for this, as far as I can tell).

Comparing myself to them, I wonder if I’m a total nutcase for wanting to manage everything all by myself (whenever Deric is at work, that is; he does help me once he’s back at home). Thing is, I tell myself, the whole reason I’m not working full time is so that we can save on babysitting costs and also avoid the whole scenario of sending Jamie to some outsider to be cared for.

The other issue about being a WAHM is that by virtue of me working as a freelancer, there are all these risks like will those who hire me actually pay me and even if they do, whether it will be horrendously late or right on time. 

So anyway, I’m still doing my best to keep this WAHM arrangement alive. I’ve secured at least 2 jobs so far, and this is probably more than enough to keep me occupied. 

I guess I just wanted to share these things that have been going on in my head. I’m sure some of you readers out there can probably relate. It’s amazing how we manage to keep ourselves going each day. But we must. It’s for the sake of our families and our children, and that is a reason that’s definitely motivating enough. 

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